"What an amazing 45 seconds! Now I need to get back to the Kwik-E-Mart." "Since I can’t lock up the place, I have to leave a cardboard cut-out of me in charge." "And that cardboard cut-out gives way too many discounts for dented cans. It’s ruining my business!"
"All work and no play makes Sanjay a dull boy. All work and no play makes Sanjay a dull boy." "Aughh! Aisle four is a river of blood!" "Oh wait, it’s just cherry flavored Squishee. The machine must be broken again. This job is really driving me crazy."
"Help me! I can’t swim AND I have type II diabetes."
"I’m sorry, sir. But company policy clearly states that you must purchase something before I can save your life."
*GASP* "My store is without a clerk! Not even a cardboard one!" "Oh I cannot believe it! A mere 16 hours into his first 12 hour shift and Sanjay is already slacking off!" "Doesn't he realize that the American Dream applies to business owners, not their employees?" "Just wait until I find you, Sanjay! You'll get a talking-to that will sting for a lifetime‚ and two more lifetimes after that." "But where could he be? I'll check his usual haunts – the Kwik-E-Mart and India." "I really don’t know my brother very well."
"There you are Sanjay! I’ve finally found you, you lazy goat of a man!"
"Well since I had absolutely *hic* nothing to do with this, I must be going"
"How dare you leave my store unattended! The magazines have all been read, and the “take a penny leave a penny” jar is practically empty!" "This is as irresponsible as that time you ran off to become a sitar player."
"I was the second best sitar player in the world! It just turns out that the world needed only ONE sitar player."
"Well maybe I should offer the Kwik-E-Mart job to Ravi Shankar."
"Joke’s on you, he’s dead! Not to mention he was a known pickpocket."
"As the ancient saying goes: "Please buy more ancient saying cards for more ancient sayings." "Argh! I hate the Kwik-E-Mart. Apu has cheated me out of decent pay, reasonable hours, and now pre-packaged spirituality!" "At least I still have my dignity, which I can party away on my own time.
"What’s wrong Sanjay? Are you being attacked by bees?"
"No, I’m dancing!"
"I feel like those moves would look better if a thousand other Indians were doing them simultaneously."
"A thousand dancers? I wish! But this is my life, not the set of an ultra-low budget Bollywood film. I dance to express myself." "How do you express yourself?" "Paint a picture? Practice the ancient art of origami towel folding?"
"Mostly I just cause millions of dollars worth of property damage…"
"So this is what relaxation feels like – my back doesn't hurt, my feet fit in my shoes, my stomach lining has returned."
"You’re currently staying in our Exhaustion Wing, which is usually occupied by our celebrity patients."
"I’d like my regular room and an IV please. I’ll be here until the bad press from those Nazi Mr. Teeny photos dies down."
"All this for me?"
"We treated you to the VIP package of exhaustion care, no expense was spared." "Until we realized that your insurance only covers polio braces and Lamaze classes." "At which point every expense was spared… until your brother stepped in and paid all your bills."
"Sanjay?!" *gasp* "I can’t believe he would pay all my bills after I fired him from the Kwik-E-Mart."
"Hmmm‚ disbelief is a common symptom of exhaustion. Let’s call up your brother and see if he’ll pay for more tests."
"Sanjay, I have been a fool and am here to ask for your forgiveness." "I called you lazy, unreliable, and overweight, and I paid the ultimate price. I was punished by doing that which I love most: work."
"You never called me overweight."
"May you also find it in your heart to forgive me for talking behind your back. Your wide, expansive back."
"Wouldn't this apology be better with an offer of, oh, I don’t know, a job?"
"Of course! Please come back to work for me! I’ll give you anything."
"Except decent pay, reasonable hours, vacation time, or benefits. But you can have all the mop water you want!"
"I accept! But only because your medical bills bankrupted me and I’m desperate.