"Apu, $100 worth of your most illegal poorly-made fireworks, please!"
"With federal agent Rex Banner snooping around town, I can no longer play the fireworks game." "This Independence Day, the only laws I plan on breaking relate to food safety and price gouging."
"The government can't take away our fireworks just because they're illegal!" "Last time I checked, a little document called the U.S. Constitution guaranteed us the right to break any law we want, whenever we feel like it."
"It most explicitly does not."
"Exactly! If we can't buy fireworks, then we'll just have to make them ourselves"
"Guiseppe Granfinali, it's your lucky day. Most characters as minor as you never get to see Springfield again." "Although that's less and less true all the time." "Anyway, we want you to build the most ear-rattling, eyeball-bludgeoning, nose-somehow-obliterating fireworks ever made."
"Would it help to have an extra set of hands? I got an “A” in second grade chemistry this year."
"Chemistry? What-a the hell-a is that?"
"Wait... you make your living playing with gunpowder all your life, and you have no idea what it's made of?"
"Ground-up demon, I always assume." "Okay, find me some-a books on this "chemistry". Real old and out-of-date, like-a me."
"Finally, a need only a second-rate public school library can fulfill!"
"Sixth-rate, actually. We just got our certification as a sixth-rate facility yesterday. We're very proud."
"Mama Mia! I just-a got an inspection-a notice from Town Hall." "When they find-a the ‘works, they gonna take-a them away!"
"This time the government has gone too far." "If I can bring a loaded AR-15 into a nursery school -- and thanks to the patriotism of dedicated nutcases, I can -- why can't I build explosives for pleasure?"
"To be fair, fireworks and firearms... they are not-a the same."
"Well, they can both kill people. And THAT means I should be able to do whatever I want with them." "I'll send out word that the government is trying to stop an honest citizen from playing with gunpowder." "You watch what happens."
"So! The man behind these mysterious thefts is none other than Mr. Burns!" "The very SAME Mr. Burns who is, without fail, behind absolutely every nefarious act in this town!"
"Tell me about it. The whole time I'm thinking, “It's probably Mr. Burns, but we're not really doing THAT story again, are we?" "And THEN I thought: “Well, if it DOES turn out to be Mr. Burns, for sure don't point out how it's ALWAYS Mr. Burns, because that just makes it seem EVEN WORSE." "But then YOU pointed it out, so I pointed it out, and now it's all anyone can think about." "Which is unfortunate."
"Well, if-a Mr. Burns is the bad guy, then I'm-a gonna have words with him right now!"
"Ooh -- I love when Italians get mad. They can say a thousand swears with their hands alone!" "Watch and learn, Lis!"
"And have them turned into a weapon against me? No, I'm not keen to see rockets exploding on my front porch."
"We don't want to shoot them at you, silly!" "It's the sky we want to blow up. And the sky's no-good friend: clouds."
"I'm not talking about you." "I simply can't afford to have these fine explodables end up in the hands of my family's mortal enemies."
"Hi, Homer! Hi, Lisa! Hi, Italian person!" "And hello to you, Burnsy. Or should I call you... Dead Man?"
"Yes, everyone, it's true. The Spuckler clan and the Burns clan are a-feudin' agin." "The Burnses have fought the Spucklers down through the generations." "At times the feud merely simmers. But it always flares anew at the slightest provocation."
"Mr. Burns! I didn't realize you came from hillbilly stock."
"Oh, I don't." "A mere three generations ago, the Spucklers were our rivals in Philadelphia high society." "They were one of the richest, most erudite families in America."
"Ay-yup." "Then my grand pappy lost his railroad, and pretty soon we's eatin' shoe leather and possum, and findin' we likes the taste!"
"Our family fortunes may have diverged, but our hands are so steeped in Spuckler blood, and their hands in ours, that we will never truly live in peace."
"Sad but true. Well, I'm off. Kill ya later, Burns!"
"Kill you later, Cletus! Tell Brandine I'll kill her later, too!"