Hardly Kirk-Ing

Release Date

November 7, 2013

Number of Quests


Preceded By

The Investorettes

Hardly Kirk-Ing is the final part of the Luann Van Houten quests. Both the Bachelor Arms Apartments and the Cracker Factory are required to start this quest.


Quest Requirements Time
Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 1 Make Luann Run the Cracker Factory
Make Kirk Work at the Cracker Factory
Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 2 Make Kirk Clean Up Fleet-A-Pita Van 16h
Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 3 Make Kirk Borrow a Self Help Book 60m
Hardly Kirk-Inge Pt. 4 Make Luann Dine at El Chemistri
Make Kirk Dine at El Chemistri
Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 5 Make Luann Run the Cracker Factory
Make Kirk Run the Cracker Factory


Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 1Edit


Character Dialogue
Kirk Icon "Hey Luann! All my years of hard work finally paid off, by not paying off at all. I’m getting free checks from the government!"
Kirk Icon "I’m even thinking about buying back my molars from that pawnshop. Do YOU get paid to do nothing?"
Luann Icon "Basically, yes. Running a cracker factory is like being on unemployment, only with more money and fewer forms."
Kirk Sad Icon "Oh man, I’ve got to fill out one form every two weeks. Why can’t I win?"
Luann Icon "Because you’re a loser. You’re the only man I know with a World’s Second Best Dad mug."
Kirk Icon "Please give me back my job at the Cracker Factory. I’m not above begging. In fact, I’m well below it."
Luann Icon "So you want to come crawling back to crackers?"
Luann Icon "Fine, I’ll hire you Kirk. But you’ll have to start at the beginning – as a cracker intern."


Character Dialogue
Kirk Icon "Long day at the factory. Turns out I only get two 15-minute breaks and both I’m required to spend working."
Kirk Icon "And I’m pretty sure half of the employees are pairs of children wearing giant trench coats."
Luann Icon "You better not report those kids – I mean stacked adults – to the government or else I’ll have you fired."
Kirk Angry Icon "I didn’t think it was possible, but you’ve ruined the magic of crackers. You don’t have to fire me — I quit."

Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 2Edit


Character Dialogue
Luann Angry Icon "Kirk, if you want to stay a part of this family, you are going to have to get a real job."
Luann Icon "And I know what you’re thinking, and that doesn’t include organ donor."
Kirk Icon "I’ve been dedicating my time to the most important job there is – being a father."
Luann Icon "Where’s Milhouse right now?"
Kirk Icon "Trick question! That’s not our son’s name. Oh wait, it is. Fine, I’ll get a job. Do you mind taking a look at my resume?"
Luann Icon "Hmm... cleaning vomit, scaring away birds, groveling… actually I might have the perfect job for you."
Luann Excited Icon "You can manage one of my Fleet-A-Pitas! Well, assistant manage. Actually just work there."


Character Dialogue
Kirk Angry Icon "I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pedal pita when in my heart I know it’s just a soft, salt-less, un-American substitute cracker."
Kirk Icon "But how can I tell Luann that I want to quit?"
Kirk Icon "Maybe I can fake my own death, convince Luann I’m a ghost and live in the crawl space."
Kirk Icon "Nah, she wouldn’t fall for that a second time."

Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 3Edit


Character Dialogue
Kirk Icon "Hey Homer, you seem to have it all together. Can I ask you for some advice?"
Homer Icon "Never train a monkey to do your job for you because then you’ll get a monkey boss. There you go! The first one’s free."
Kirk Icon "Thanks Homer. But I was looking for some advice about my marriage."
Homer Icon "Never bring the monkey home. You’re welcome!"
Kirk Sad Icon "Luann doesn’t want me or need me."
Kirk Sad Icon "She’s better at everything than I am – running the factory, raising our son, even peeing standing up."
Homer Icon "Don’t forget running the Cracker Factory."
Kirk Icon "I already said that one."
Homer Icon "She’s just really good at it. Like so much better than you."
Kirk Sad Icon "What am I going to do, Homer?"
Homer Icon "Don’t ask me. Marge handles all the relationship problems herself."
Homer Icon "Why don’t you try a book? I’ve heard good things about them from Lisa."


Character Dialogue
Kirk Icon "Those self-help books really showed me the error of my ways."
Kirk Icon "It turns out the secret to a healthy relationship is appreciating your partner and buying more self-help books."
Homer Icon "Oh yeah, showing appreciation is important."
Homer Icon "For instance, Marge fixes me breakfast every morning. And I… uh… drink beer."
Kirk Icon "I should do something special for Luann! Are coupons for free hugs still a thing?"
Homer Icon "This isn’t your anniversary, Kirk. This calls for some serious romancing."
Homer Icon "You should take her out to dinner… and don’t order anything that requires a bib."
Kirk Icon "That sounds expensive. How’s an unemployed loser like me going to afford that?"
Homer Icon "Think of it as an investment. Invest money in Luann now, and once she lets you back in the house–"
Kirk Icon "I can steal money from her purse!"

Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 4Edit


Character Dialogue
Kirk Icon "Luann, we have to talk."
Luann Angry Icon "What is it this time?"
Kirk Icon "I know I’ve been a huge disappointment to you and that I don’t deserve another chance but if you let me, I’d like to make it up to you."
Kirk Icon "Let me take you to the most expensive dinner in town."
Kirk Icon "It’s where they make normal food look weird and taste almost exactly the same. El Chemistri!"
Luann Icon "Is there a catch? How can you afford this?"
Kirk Icon "The owner of the restaurant owes me a favor. I let him hit me with his car for fun."


Character Dialogue
Luann Icon "Kirk, I-I am speechless, I really didn’t expect something this thoughtful from you."
Luann Icon "I actually don’t expect anything at all from you. Seriously ever."
Kirk Icon "I’m always here to support you in this marriage, Luann."
Kirk Icon "Emotionally, not financially. Just want to make that crystal clear."
Luann Icon "Oh, Kirk. I guess you’ll do."
Kirk Icon "You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear those words."

Hardly Kirk-Ing Pt. 5Edit


Character Dialogue
Luann Icon "I’ve thought it over and I think I haven’t been fair to you."
Luann Icon "As long as you’re willing to do absolutely everything I say without question, then I’m willing to offer you your old management job back at the Cracker Factory."
Kirk Icon "The job I was born for! Being an empty suit!"
Luann Icon "How about we carpool in the MegaGlobe today sweetheart? At least until I head to executive parking."


Character Dialogue
Milhouse Icon "I’m so glad my parents are no longer fighting!"
Milhouse Icon "At least for this week..."