"Look at this! The improved test scores have earned me a citation from Town Hall, "in recognition of exemplary performance." "You did all the work, Skinner, and I got all the credit! It's every bureaucrat's dream!"
"And it's every toadying lickspittle's dream to make his boss's dream come true! Congratulations!"
"Great Scott, Skinner! I had no idea the students of today had grown so soft. They're like pampered veal calves, but with an even less promising future." "Heads always buried in their smartphones and tablets... What could they possibly be doing?"
"They generally use them to play time-wasting, potential-draining "freemium" video games." "Or at least they did until that fateful day when the game they were playing asked them how old they were, and they all had to stop."
"I won't stand for it! I'm going to turn these kids into rugged, won't-take-no-for-an-answer individualists if it kills me!" "We'll start with mandatory, 5:00 AM calisthenics!"
"Participation in my morning calisthenics program is at 0%."
"Look on the bright side. That's a lot higher than any of us expected, sir." "Any of us" being people educated in Springfield public schools, who due to years of poor math instruction, don't understand how percentages work."
"I've got to think of something. I always do my best thinking when I'm in the wilderness, honing my manly skills by surviving off the land."
"Did you realize, Seymour, that physical education in this school includes classes in "Badminton" and "Golf?" "No wonder these children are blobs of goo."
"The kids do enjoy badminton. They get to say "shuttlecock" a lot."
"You're not supposed to enjoy sports!" "Sports should push you to the brink of death, leave you utterly spent, heaving desperate gasps between blood-speckled coughs, asking yourself "Why, God, why am I so weak?" "From now on, the only sport here is Greco-Roman wrestling! Now, matches don't stop until both students are crying!"
"Starting today, all Springfield High School students will participate in the following classes:" "Leadership, Mountaineering, Rough-Riding, Big Game Hunting, Celestial Navigation..." "...Tourniquet Making, Foraging, Trust Busting, Manliness..." "...Orienteering, Bare-Knuckle Brawling, Big Game Hunting II: Perspectives in Taxidermy, Chivalry..." "...American Expansionism, Knife Sharpening, Knife Making, Knife Throwing, and Deep Jungle Exploration." "If you have any questions, keep them to yourself. That is all!
"Groundskeeper Willie! I wonder if you'd have time to build a caber-toss field at Springfield High?"
"But the noble Scottish sport of caber tossing was banned in Springfield years ago, on account of its being incredibly hazardous and generally pointless."
"We're bringing it back!" "I'll not send a single student off to college who isn't adept at heaving a tree trunk end-over-end so that it lands as close to a "twelve o'clock" position as possible." "It would be un-American to do so!"
"My students are cowards!" "I want you to send some of your toughest enforcers into my school, and push them around until they learn to stand up for themselves." "You're welcome to keep any lunch money that the weaker ones fork over."
"What a shockingly wrong-headed educational initiative. However, no grown-up bully can say "no" to lunch money."
"You idiot! You've transformed this town's kids into self-reliant, confident individualists. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Uh... you're welcome?"
"No! You don't get it, do you?" "Do you think I've allowed this town's schools to fall apart by accident? That I didn't INTEND for every class to receive a poorer education than the one before?"
"But why would you do that?"
"Because stupid people vote for incumbents!" "You start churning out free thinkers, me and every other incumbent in this declining country is doomed! THEN where will we all be?" "You are hereby demoted from Intendent to Superintendent. Now get out of my sight!"
"I've failed. And relegated the children of Springfield to a life of ignorance and laziness." "It's times like this when the only thing that can cheer me up is partaking in an activity that is a playful pun on my beloved catchphrase."