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High School Low
Chalmers Icon

Level Required

34

Number of Quests

11

Release Date

August 29, 2013

Preceded By

Night At The Knowledgeum

Succeeded By

For the Love of Marge

High School Low is the second part of the Level 34 quest chain.

QuestsEdit

Quest Requirements Time Reward Triggered by
High School Low Pt. 1 Make Superintendent Chalmers Visit Town Hall 8h Cash100
XP10
High School Low Pt 2 Make Chalmers Intend Springfield High School 12h Cash100
XP10
High School Low Pt 3 Build the All Night Gym
Make Chalmers Lead Calisthenics
24h
4h
Cash100
XP10
High School Low Pt 4 Place a Camp Fire
Make Chalmers Survive Off the Land
24h Cash100
XP10
Chalmers
High School Low Pt. 5 Make Chalmers Intend Springfield High School 12h Cash100
XP10
High School Low Pt. 6 Make Chalmers Intend Springfield High School 12h Cash100
XP10
High School Low Pt 7 Make Willie Build a Caber Toss Field Cash100
XP10
High School Low Pt 8 Make Legs Intimidate Students
Make Louie Intimidate Students
24h
24h
Cash100
XP10
High School Low Pt 9 Make Chalmers Lead Calisthenics 4hr Cash100
XP10
High School Low Pt 10 Make Chalmers Visit Town Hall 8hr Cash100
XP10
High School Low Pt 11 Place a Minnow Pond
Make Chalmers Catch Some "DINNERRRR?!"
---
8hr
Cash100
XP10

DialogueEdit

High School Low Pt 1Edit

Character Dialogue
Chalmers Icon "Look at this! The improved test scores have earned me a citation from Town Hall, "in recognition of exemplary performance."
"You did all the work, Skinner, and I got all the credit! It's every bureaucrat's dream!"
Skinner Happy Icon "And it's every toadying lickspittle's dream to make his boss's dream come true! Congratulations!"

High School Low Pt 2Edit

Character Dialogue
Quimby Icon "In recognition of your fine work turning around Springfield Elementary, Superintendent Chalmers, you are hereby promoted to Intendent of Springfield High School."
Chalmers Icon "Thank you, Mr. Mayor. Two questions: one, how is going from "Superintendent" to "Intendent" a promotion; and two, are you aware that Intendent is a made-up word?"
Quimby Icon "I oughta be, I made it up!"
"It means a "principal," but when the town doesn't have the money to hire a principal because of widespread corruption that is in no way the mayor's fault."
Chalmers Icon "I got into education because I wanted to cut art budgets, not having contact with children! I won't last a day!"

High School Low Pt 3Edit

Character Dialogue
Chalmers Icon "Great Scott, Skinner! I had no idea the students of today had grown so soft. They're like pampered veal calves, but with an even less promising future."
"Heads always buried in their smartphones and tablets... What could they possibly be doing?"
Skinner Icon "They generally use them to play time-wasting, potential-draining "freemium" video games."
"Or at least they did until that fateful day when the game they were playing asked them how old they were, and they all had to stop."
Chalmers Icon "I won't stand for it! I'm going to turn these kids into rugged, won't-take-no-for-an-answer individualists if it kills me!"
"We'll start with mandatory, 5:00 AM calisthenics!"

High School Low Pt 4Edit

Character Dialogue
Chalmers Icon "Participation in my morning calisthenics program is at 0%."
Skinner Icon "Look on the bright side. That's a lot higher than any of us expected, sir."
"Any of us" being people educated in Springfield public schools, who due to years of poor math instruction, don't understand how percentages work."
Chalmers Icon "I've got to think of something. I always do my best thinking when I'm in the wilderness, honing my manly skills by surviving off the land."

High School Low Pt 5Edit

Character Dialogue
Chalmers Icon "Did you realize, Seymour, that physical education in this school includes classes in "Badminton" and "Golf?"
"No wonder these children are blobs of goo."
Skinner Icon "The kids do enjoy badminton. They get to say "shuttlecock" a lot."
Chalmers Icon "You're not supposed to enjoy sports!"
"Sports should push you to the brink of death, leave you utterly spent, heaving desperate gasps between blood-speckled coughs, asking yourself "Why, God, why am I so weak?"
"From now on, the only sport here is Greco-Roman wrestling! Now, matches don't stop until both students are crying!"

High School Low Pt 6Edit

Character Dialogue
Chalmers Icon "Starting today, all Springfield High School students will participate in the following classes:"
"Leadership, Mountaineering, Rough-Riding, Big Game Hunting, Celestial Navigation..."
"...Tourniquet Making, Foraging, Trust Busting, Manliness..."
"...Orienteering, Bare-Knuckle Brawling, Big Game Hunting II: Perspectives in Taxidermy, Chivalry..."
"...American Expansionism, Knife Sharpening, Knife Making, Knife Throwing, and Deep Jungle Exploration."
"If you have any questions, keep them to yourself. That is all!

High School Low Pt 7Edit

Character Dialogue
Chalmers Icon "Groundskeeper Willie! I wonder if you'd have time to build a caber-toss field at Springfield High?"
Willie Icon "But the noble Scottish sport of caber tossing was banned in Springfield years ago, on account of its being incredibly hazardous and generally pointless."
Chalmers Icon "We're bringing it back!"
"I'll not send a single student off to college who isn't adept at heaving a tree trunk end-over-end so that it lands as close to a "twelve o'clock" position as possible."
"It would be un-American to do so!"
Willie Icon "I think I'm going to cry..."

High School Low Pt 8Edit

Character Dialogue
Chalmers Icon "Corpulent Anthony!"
Fat Tony Icon "Yes?"
Chalmers Icon "My students are cowards!"
"I want you to send some of your toughest enforcers into my school, and push them around until they learn to stand up for themselves."
"You're welcome to keep any lunch money that the weaker ones fork over."
Fat Tony Icon "What a shockingly wrong-headed educational initiative. However, no grown-up bully can say "no" to lunch money."

High School Low Pt 9Edit

Character Dialogue
Chalmers Icon "I've done it. I've molded these blubber-wrapped idiots into capable young Americans."
"Who are shockingly ignorant of literature, but still."
"I think I should reward myself with a little "me time."

High School Low Pt 10Edit

StartEdit

Character Dialogue
Chalmers Icon "I've got another invitation to Town Hall. Wonder what it could be for this time?"
"Maybe they've got a special commendation for me!"

EndEdit

Character Dialogue
Quimby Icon "You idiot! You've transformed this town's kids into self-reliant, confident individualists. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Chalmers Icon "Uh... you're welcome?"
Quimby Icon "No! You don't get it, do you?"
"Do you think I've allowed this town's schools to fall apart by accident? That I didn't INTEND for every class to receive a poorer education than the one before?"
Chalmers Icon "But why would you do that?"
Quimby Icon "Because stupid people vote for incumbents!"
"You start churning out free thinkers, me and every other incumbent in this declining country is doomed! THEN where will we all be?"
"You are hereby demoted from Intendent to Superintendent. Now get out of my sight!"

High School Low Pt 11Edit

Character Dialogue
Chalmers Icon "I've failed. And relegated the children of Springfield to a life of ignorance and laziness."
"It's times like this when the only thing that can cheer me up is partaking in an activity that is a playful pun on my beloved catchphrase."

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