Hobo You Didn't!



Release Date

June 18, 2014

Number of Quests


Preceded By

Bindle There, Done That

Hobo You Didn't! is the second part of the quest that features Lampwick.


Quest Requirements Triggered By Time
Hobo You Didn't! Pt. 1 Make Lampwick Rant about Little Vicki Lampwick 8h
Hobo You Didn't! Pt. 2 Make Lampwick Do Research
Make Lisa Do Research
Lampwick 24h
Hobo You Didn't! Pt. 3 Make Lampwick Battle the Forces of Vicki Lampwick 6h
Hobo You Didn't! Pt. 4 Make Lampwick Star in a School Production of Waiting for Godot Lisa 3h
Hobo You Didn't! Pt. 5 Make Lampwick Sleep Under a Newspaper Lampwick 12h


Hobo You Didn't! Pt. 1Edit


Character Dialogue
Lampwick Icon "Someone paid good money just to torture me with poverty?"
"Well, I know who it must be! Only one soul has ever been so hate-fueled, bile-filled, and vile-stuffed."
"That secret Midget Little Vicki!"
Lisa Icon "Little Vicki Valentine, Hollywood's little princess?"
"The talented star of sixty-one films and TV shows, and countless Broadway plays because the internet won't count them for me?"
Lampwick Icon "That's the flapper."
"In 1963, I crashed some snooty awards party. All I wanted was a shrimp cocktail. So I get in line for one, right behind Little Vicki."
"As we get to the front, I notice there are only two glasses of shrimp left."
"Just as I'm about to get mine, Little Vicki takes them both! Says one's for a friend."
"If your friend wants an s-cocktail, your friend should wait in line for an s-cocktail!"
"A haughty sheba who snatches shrimp out of the little guys' mouths, those people are the true scum of the earth."
"I've got to warn Springfield. For evil has arrived."


Character Dialogue
Lampwick Icon "Guard your shrimp! Little Vicki may walk among you!"

Hobo You Didn't! Pt. 2Edit


Character Dialogue
Lampwick Icon "I think I finally figured out why I'm back in Springfield, little girl. It's not for money or respect. It's for…"
Lisa Icon "Mr. Lampwick, I'm still not sure your crusade against Little Vicki is the best pursuit."
"She's one of America's finest actresses, and the first ever winner of the Kiddie Academy Awards!"
"I know all about her award record. If you ask me, she lied about her age!"
"She kept saying, "I'm the youngest actress to ever win an award, and now I am about to get my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame!"
Lampwick Icon "Ever check her teeth? Never once did her fake baby teeth ever fall out!"
"Or that curly hair of hers... a wig, I tell ya! She had me thrown out of the party when I attempted to yank that mop off!"
"Like I'm telling ya, an awful human being. I saw her clean the earwax out of her ears using her house keys. Disgusting."
"Now Dame Judith Underdunk, she was a celebrity with class."
"Would remember your name, your birthday, and even bake you a cake. Had a handshake like George Washington's."
Lisa Icon "The Springfield Library keeps thorough entertainment news records. We can check to verify your story…"
Lampwick Icon "And I can take a bath in their sink and dry myself on some useless, old books. Public libraries—the Hobo's Hilton."


Character Dialogue
Lampwick Icon "Ah, fresh as a wilted rose! Nothing gives a man reason to look and smell his best better than a bellyful of dumb rage."

Hobo You Didn't! Pt. 3Edit


Character Dialogue
Lampwick Icon "Springfield, we must protect ourselves from the forces of Little Vicki! Discard all signs of the Queen of Babylon!"
Apu Icon "Sir, don't damage those DVDs of Little Vicki for President."
"If I mark the price down any lower, I will have to pay people to take them. And even then they will say, “Little Vicki for President? Ugh.”
Lampwick Icon "We must cease worshiping her, and free ourselves from her narrative tyranny!"
"She can no longer control us, forcing us to engage in silly behavior for her amusement!"


Character Dialogue
Lampwick Icon "It's nice to feel like I finally have something to contribute."

Hobo You Didn't! Pt. 4Edit


Character Dialogue
Lisa Icon "Mr. Lampwick! Mr. Lampwick! My research uncovered something you should know about your reason for existing."
Lampwick Icon "Is it how to create a Little Vicki-proof barrier around any home or shanty town?"
Lisa Icon "You said Little Vicki was getting her star on the Walk of Fame. But she got her star in 1960, not 1963."
"Also, the Walk of Fame parties only served shrimp cocktail in 1964..."
"The same year Dame Judith Underdunk got her star on the walk!"
"I believe the evil curly haired woman who took your shrimp was not Little Vicki, but in fact the Dame Judith Underdunk!"
Lampwick Icon "So… everything I believe in is a lie?"
Lisa Icon "Isn't that great?!"
Lampwick Icon
Lisa Icon "Oh. Only now do I realize how that might not be so great..."
"...and that's beside the fact that I helped put her in prison!"
Lampwick Icon "Guess I'll never know why I got saddled with this bum's life. Fate or chance or Little Vicki, I gotta make the best of it."
"There's no point in trying to anticipate the answers to why we're here."
"The essence of life is its mystery, and only when we accept that can we focus on living."
Lisa Icon "Samuel Beckett was right. Hobos do possess a deeper insight."
"I know the perfect job for you, if you're willing to work for free cafeteria food."


Character Dialogue
Chalmers Icon "Magnificent performance, Mr. Lampwick!"
"This high school hasn't been so moved since the days Moleman bloodied our stage in Richard the II."
Lampwick Icon "Thank you. And shove it. I have to spout a bunch of frufru nonsense AND choke down dry Salisbury steak?"
"Forget it! I'd rather dine on juicy rotisserie pigeon, hot off the trash can."

Hobo You Didn't! Pt. 5Edit


Character Dialogue
Lampwick Icon "Whew. Trying to find a purpose for my existence has tuckered me out."
Lisa Icon "I hope someone thought to give you a job at the homeless shelter."
"Or at least a job to stay with everyone else in the brown house."
Lampwick Icon "I don't need shelter."
"I have the one thing that truly matters, the one thing no one can take from me: my fantasies of destroying all who have wronged me."
Lisa Icon "I was hoping you'd say “human dignity.” But “destroying others” is an alternative."
Lampwick Icon "Take care. And have a goodnight, little victim number twelve."


Character Dialogue
Lampwick Icon "You're going to get it. You're all going to get it! Especially whoever gave me this storyline and all his accomplices!"