"Chief Wiggum, I need you to physically subdue this axe-wielding muscular giant who clearly is a master of hand-to-hand combat!"
"Sorry Simpson, that’s a big no can do. In that there’s no possible way I can do it, thus the term, “no can do."
GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT!
"Come on Grunty, knock it off. That’s my house — where I eat and sleep and look at magazines and stuff."
GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT!
"The pillaging, I get. Who wouldn't want all my awesome stuff?" "Like my extra-thick TV, my dozens of hidden mini-fridges, and all those magazines I mentioned earlier."
GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT!
"But hear me out —- you are in serious danger of over-pillaging."
GRUNT? GRUNT? GRUNT?
"That’s right, over-pillaging." "You pillage all this fantastic stuff, but you have nowhere to put it." "Then it gets rained on, and the ants get into it, and it’s Hibbert’s shed all over again." "Everything’s ruined – and you wasted all that great pillaging."
GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT!
"What you need is a place to keep all the great stuff you pillaged."
Grunt, grunt... "storage locker?"
"No, those storage places always rip you off. What you need is a castle!"
"Barbarian need fighters to pillage for Barbarian!"
"Oh, I get it. Someone to do the dirty work for you. They do all the getting killed, you get all the mini-fridges."
Grunt, grunt, "exactly."
"Well, this town isn’t exactly full of big muscle-y ass-whompers like yourself." "But it is full of… nerds!"
"Grunt, grunt, nerds?"
"A whole bunch of medieval dorks are always playing with fake swords in the park." "I bet they’d love to go raiding with a real disemboweling skull-drinker like yourself." "The only problem is… those nerds wouldn’t stand a chance. They’d be totally slaughtered."
"Barbarian would never send nerds to pointless deaths."
"Well, you chased me for 2 hours, and you finally caught me."
"You better runner than I thought."
"Well, I guess it’s time for you to chop off my head."
"Soon me drink from your skull!"
"Drink, eh?" "Say Barbie, before you decapitate me, scrape all the flesh off my head, boil the bones to a nice chalky-white, then seal up all the little head holes to keep the liquid from leaking… what say I buy you a beer?"
"Have to admit, beer from mug better than beer from skull. Skull beer always taste like old head meat."
"Even if you boil the skull for a long time?"
"No matter how long me boil skull, still am taste hint of brain."
"You’re just full of interesting trivia. Which Springfield are you from?"
"Am not from Springfield. Am from… other game."
"So we just admit now that we know we live in a game? No more pretense?"
"Why lie to selves? Is insult to players’ intelligence."
"Yeah, okay. That makes things easier." "So, tell me about the game you come from."
"Is called “Clash of Castles." "Barbarians attack other towns, destroy everything, kill everyone, and pillage gold and elixir."
"So that explains the pillaging."
"Is all me know."
"Your Clash of Castles game sounds awesome. I have to admit, I’m getting a little bored of my game. It’s pretty vanilla." "Everything’s so wussy here. “Valentine’s Day Hearts”? “Friendship Points?" "And don’t get me started on those (EXPLETIVE DELETED) Easter fences!!!" "Your game sounds a million times better than my game! And so much more addicting. Like I’d totally ignore my town to play in your world."
"Yeah, me guess it’s okay"
"What’s the income tax rate on pillaging?"
"Federal and state?"
"Us drink from skull of tax collector so yeah."
" Nice games are so boring! Rated “E” for Everybody — more like “L” for Lamewads Losers and Larrys!" "Larry is this guy who used to really annoy everyone. He wore huge t-shirts that looked like dresses."
"Him sound like wiener."
"I never get to kill anyone! Not even a Squeaky Voice Teen or a Wise Guy!"
"Me tired of kill kill kill, pillage pillage pillage, grunt grunt grunt. Sometimes, me just want put feet by fire and drink from skull of enemy with someone me love." " Me want do Sunday crossword puzzle in bed then go to brunch, not slaughter castle full of archers and wizards."
"See, I would love to bathe in wizard blood."
"Me would love stay home watch “The Bachelor” eating low calorie popcorn."
"I guess each of us would love to have the other guy’s life."
"Yes, that am situation."
"Hey guys, did you know that when the Barbarian here takes off his helmet, he looks just like Homer."
"OMG — Oh my God! It’s true!"
"OMC — Oh my Crom! Us am twins!"
"You guys should switch places and live each other’s lives, just like that classic piece of literature: “Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties".
"Switch places? That sounds hacky."
"No, no it’s cool. The same happened – to Bart in one of the episodes of the TV show this whole thing is based on."
" Us game not based on TV show. Am original IP."
"Must be nice."
" So it’s agreed, I’ll live the life of a Barbarian, and you’ll live the life of a family man!"
"Boy whelp think me am Homer – , but girl whelp am clever." "What father do to win affection of girl?" "Me know! Me give her life lessons in backbreaking labor." "Child! I command you to build a castle."
"A castle? I suppose this could be a good exercise in medieval construction." "Can I use eco-friendly materials?"
"And I’m gonna keep on destroying it until he comes out and fights me."
"Grunt grunt fight? No, no fight. Me no longer solve problems with axe. Me solve problems with talk, and text." " Me metrosexual now. Me groom facial hair. Me watch “The Good Wife”. Me eat house-made pickles at gastropub."
"I miss old fake dad. He had the best stories about bathing in the blood of his enemies, and scrubbing himself with their ripped-out tongues."
"He loved my music. He said it reminded him of when he would throw sick old bears into the bonfire and burn them alive."
"What are you kids complaining about? You got your real old man back!"
"I’m not just your dad anymore. I’m a leveled-up version of your dad — with a leveled-up castle."
"Big deal. I hope your castle is better than your pathetic Prince & the Pauper premise."
"Yeah, I hope your castle is more skillfully constructed together than that awful premise."
"Oh children… Why are they so stupid? My castle is great because of UPGRADES. Let me explain..." "When you make the thing you already have a little bit better, that’s an upgrade."
"So it’s something you already have..."
"But a little bit better."
"Now you’re getting it..." "IT’S A TINY IMPROVEMENT, A MARKED DIFFERENCE, IT’S A SHINIER BELT, OR A PRETTIER FENCE!"
"Are you singing?"
"AN UPGRADE TAKES YOUR PLUS ONE SWORD AND MAKES IT PLUS TWO" "AN UPGRADE TRANSFORMS YOUR MAGIC CLOAK FROM LIGHT TO DARKER BLUE"
"He is singing."
"But, this game doesn't have music."
"UPGRADES ARE THE LITTLE BOOSTS THAT GIVE YOUR LIFE NEW MEANING" "THE SLIGHTLY BETTER VERSIONS THAT WILL GIVE YOUR LIFE NEW MEANING"
"He just rhymed “new meaning” with “new meaning."
"SO IF YOU’RE FEELING BORED AND SAD" "YOUR GAME HAS PETERED OUT" "UPGRADE ALL THE STUFF YOU HAVE AND THEN YOU’LL SCREAM AND SHOUT — FOR UPGRADES!!!"
" Wow. Way to string it out, bone-head dad – everyone knows about upgrades!" "Maybe if you’d laid off that purple juice a little, you’d have noticed that Lisa and I also have our own castles and outfits and…"
"It’s all so clear to me now. These so-called strategy games are a scam." "You raid and you raid, you think you’re getting stronger, but your enemies are getting stronger too." "And the more you play, the longer it takes to get upgrades. Until you have no choice but to use…"
"The gold in these games is worthless. Elixir it's just corn syrup and codeine. The game gives you them for free to get you to cough up for premium currency."
"It's, it's all a trick to give us the illusion of accomplishment." "But all they want is money. When we can't feel anything anymore, and we have no choice we have to pay."
"Think about it. For $60 you can buy a fantastic console game with a hundred million dollar budget..." "...that geniuses and artists have worked for years to perfect, giving you hours upon hours of satisfying gameplay." "But these so-called freemium strategy games offer you pared-down simplistic gameplay..." "...but because you're so hooked on upgrades, you end up spending hundreds of dollars on premium currency to just get back to normal."
"It's the ultimate scam."
"I wish I'd thought of it."
"So what do I do?"
"You steal the thing that they never thought you'd steal -- the premium currency itself."
"You mean -- raid for... donuts?"
"But... people pay for those with actual money. You can't raid for that. It's not right."
"'Not right?' This game has sent countless innocent nerds to agonizing deaths." "Your father is addicted to super-addictive Elixir. And the game turned your family into upgrade-starved wraiths. Is that 'right'?"
"I've got so many donuts! I’m going to buy Kang Topiary — I've earned it."
"I know we've suffered at the hands of our silicon valley puppet masters. But I still don’t think this was a good idea."
"Who is that? Who’s talking to us?"
"I AM THE SPIRIT OF FREEMIUM GAMING GIVEN VOICE. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE PRIME DIRECTIVE OF FREEMIUM GAMING."
"We just did to other players what you do to them every day."
"YES, EXACTLY. ONLY WE MAY RIP PEOPLE OFF. NOW RETURN THE DONUTS."
"We raided those premium donuts fair and square as far as you know."
"Don’t blame us if our upgrades are so awesome we can steal whatever we want whenever we want."
"I’m the most upgraded lady wizard — I mean wizard — this game has ever seen."
"What game are we even talking about anymore?"
"Listen up you mysterious voice thing somehow speaking for an entire subcategory of tablet and phone-based gaming!" " Now that we have a taste of the good stuff ‚ premium C, we can’t go back to ”gold”" "With cash-based donuts we’ll finally be living the way we deserve. In the now! No more grinding and waiting and grinding and waiting."
"…and when the days are finally up convincing yourself it was worth it."
"RETURN THAT WHICH YOU HAVE STOLEN."
"No way! We’re not scared of you!"
"Why don’t you return what you've stolen from all the players of these games around the world!"
"And by stolen we mean “an agreed upon exchange of goods and services."
"THERE IS ONE CURRENCY MORE VALUABLE THAN DONUTS."
"NO. THE MOST VALUABLE CURRENCY IS… TIME. EVERYONE HAS THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME." "EVERYONE IS ALWAYS SPENDING TIME AT THE SAME RATE." "ONCE TIME IS SPENT IT IS GONE FOREVER. YET MANY PEOPLE GET NO VALUE FROM IT AT ALL." "IS IT REALLY A GOOD USE OF YOUR “LIFE CURRENCY” TO GRIND AND GRIND AWAY AT THESE GAMES TO SAVE MONEY?" "YOU CAN EARN MORE MONEY. BUT YOU CAN NEVER EARN MORE TIME."
"Nice try, hippie."
"No, Homer. He’s right. Think of all the moments people have missed with their families." " Moments they will never get back — just to try to get one over on these games without spending money. It’s so tragic."
"Freemium games — both strategy-based and town building alike — are a blight on society!"
"Eh, I like touching screens. I stick by my choice."
"Forget it, you impossible thing that can’t speak but is speaking anyway, the Simpsons are gonna become the donut kings of the cloud, and you can’t stop us."
"UNLESS… I STEAL YOUR TIME. I CAN RESET YOUR PROGRESS ON THIS GAME." "AND ALL THEN ALL THE TIME YOU “SPENT” PLAYING IT WILL HAVE DISAPPEARED FOREVER."
"My Mensa gazebo!"
"All that stuff I did in Krustyland yet I never seem to go there!"
"If we go back to level 1 I’ll be locked in Moe’s Tavern again."
"Go back to Level 1 and redo everything?… I’ll be good."
"I think I just did a mission where I peed my pants."
"Mr. BIG FREEMIUM Thing? Tiny favor. Can you at least undo all the damage of this ridiculous Clash of Clones storyline? It’s brought us nothing but suffering."
"And a Prince and Pauper parody. LAME."
"FEAR NOT, HECTORING CHILD. THIS “UPDATE” LIKE THE ONES THAT CAME BEFORE IS BUT TEMPORARY." "IF THE FINGERS THAT CONTROL YOUR SAD LIVES CANNOT HEED MY ADVICE AND DELETE THIS GAME AND ALL ITS DATA…" "THEN AT LEAST TAKE SOLACE IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT SOON THINGS WILL BE AS THEY ONCE WERE."
"So we've learned our lesson. Time is best spent with the people we love. For those are moments we can never get back."
"Or -- we can get as many raids in as possible before time runs out!"