"I've got money. I've got influence. I've got much younger women. I am the er-uh epitome of success!" "And yet no one respects me. It's as if wearing a sash doesn't carry the cachet it once did." "It's time to remind the people why I got into politics – the enormous displays of wealth!"
"The Quimby Compound was worth every embezzled penny." "And I, uh, taught those orphans an important lesson about living without doors." "I, on the other hand, have hundreds of doors for my five floors, four wings, three kitchens, two spas, and a partridge in a pear tree. Bronzed, of course."
"Hiya, Uncle. I, uh, got kicked out of limbo's country club so I'm back!" "The movers have already moved the maid into my room."
"Then you tell them to move her back!" "She's a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen for me."
"Butler, for breakfast, I'll have the hair of the dog that bit me... so I can make it into a coat." "Plus some booze."
"Your breakfast is on Springfield's dime today. Welcome to the drunk tank, Mister Quimby!"
"Joke's on you - my breakfast is on Springfield's dime everyday." "And since I don't remember anything I did last night and truly horrible acts are said to haunt you forever, I must be innocent." "I'd like my car and my complimentary gift bag."
"You'll get your complimentary gift bag on your day in court!" *sigh* "That sounded a lot more menacing in my head."
"Alright Freddy, time to get you to the courthouse for your arraignment." "Plus a little extra time at Lard Lad's. The Wig's got a craving for D-nuts."
"I keep telling you, Chief -- neither of those nicknames is going to catch on."
"You're making a mistake, Wiggum. Don't you understand that I'm rich?"
"Son, I've been making mistakes since the day I was born." "I came out feet first." "And sure, the justice system is just a dog and pony show if you're rich." "Or cleaning up after a dog and pony show if you're poor." "But we've got to go anyway."
"Frederick Quimby, you have been charged with a cornucopia of crimes, including defiling a cornucopia." "Which, according to the Pilgrims who wrote our town charter, is punishable by death. How do you plead?"
"Your Honor, you could hear how he pleads, or you could wrap this up and enjoy a complimentary lobster lunch buffet." "As a man of the law, you must agree that letting all this lobster go to waste is itself a crime."
"Mister Smithers, ignoring protocol, we have sworn you in on the Malibu Stacy Bible you brought from home." "Now please tell us what you saw that night."
"It was in between Mr. Burns' bedtime and his 4:00 AM “FDR got elected to a fifth term” nightmare." "I stopped into Moe's for a flirtini, when Mister Quimby here showed up with a woman of loose morals."
"The only thing loose about me is my willingness to take off my clothes for money." "Everything else is off limits." "Unless you pay me."
"Mister Quimby forced me to be his “wingman” and dragged me all over town."
"You should be on trial for being the worst wingman ever!" "You said there'd be hotties at that Steelworkers Sausage Fest." "There weren't even sausages... just lots of men!"
"Ms. Bouvier, please tell the court what you saw that night."
"Only if you tell the court if you're single or not..."
"Not a chance."
"Fine." "Freddy and I crashed into each other outside of the Steelworkers Sausage Fest." "Literally crashed - with our cars." "Luckily I shaved my legs just a few months ago, so I was able to charm my way into a ride back to town with him." "Sure, he was drunk and concussed, but he hadn't left me for dead, so I thought the date was going well." "Right up until he drove off a bridge into the river, and left me for dead." "Thank god buoyancy is my greatest skill."
"This is not looking good for you, Mister Quimby."
"No, your honor, in the light of day, SHE'S not looking good!..." "I mean no comment."
"Mr. Van Houten, please tell the court what you saw that night."
"When I heard a knock on the door, I thought those girl scouts had a change of heart and wanted to give me back my hat." "But instead Freddy burst in soaking wet, and challenged me to a drinking contest." "Since I had to sell part of my liver to pay Luann's alimony during the divorce, I asked if I could have juice instead." "But by then he was already hitting the whiskey, and on my wife."
"When we got back together, we agreed anything before second base isn't cheating."
"You need to learn the rules of baseball, Luann!" "Anyway, he said my crying was harshing the mood so he stumbled off, but not before he did unspeakable things to our mailbox."
"Tampering with the mail system – a federal crime!" "Your list of offenses, like Superhero movies, just keeps getting longer." "Who says Judge Reinhold is the only funny judge?"
"Your honor, before you read the sentence I'd like to say a few words."
"It probably would have been smarter to have said those words before the trial was over, but I have no one to go home to, so alright."
"I did not inhale, have relations with that woman, or falsify reports regarding WMDs." "One of those should get me out of this mess, right?"
"I have something to say, Your, uh, Honor!" "There's a new municipal by-law, issued this morning, that you, ah, must be aware of." "It states "charges against any public figure must be reduced if the defendant regrets that he, or the less likely she, is caught." "The defendant may also publicly enter any twelve-step program, but does not have to complete it." "And may apologize on national television, but doesn't have to mean it."