"My ratings are in a slump, and the network is threatening to replace me with one of the members of the Blue Man Group. I'm not sure which one, but nobody is."
"Why don't you follow in the footsteps of Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite and uphold the highest standard of journalism?"
"Little girl, you've given me a great idea. I should tell my security to not let little girls into the building." "I've got to get back to my roots - special interest pieces on the diverse and welcoming community that is Springfield." "Now time to find some nut job whose depressing tale I can peddle for profits."
"It seems someone forgot to sign out of this computer. But as a professional journalist, I'm above digging through someone's dirty laundry." "Note to self: return Monty Burns' dirty laundry before he grows suspicious." "Well, one click won't hurt!... AHHH! So many exotic photos of Chief Wiggum! Eew, the apple in his mouth was a poor choice." "Wait, what's this Super Snooper thing?" *Gasp* "Wiggum has been spying on the whole town."
"This 'spy' story could finally make me important enough to have a Wikipedia page that I didn't write. Or better yet, it could be used to spy me up an even better story!" "That'll keep that blue man where he belongs - Vegas! And sometimes on tour!"
"My job is saved thanks to all this government sanctioned dirt. Time for a tough choice." "Take the boring stupid high road and report on Chief Wiggum spying." "OR take the totally awesome low road full of winners and report on gossip.
"I'm happy to report tonight's edition of "Eye on Springfield" won its time slot, beating out both tone bars and OFF." "And now the actual news of the world will be scrolled on screen faster than the human eye can read."
"By the pitchforks and torch-o-reenos, I'm guessing there's an angry mob forming."
"I'm so furious at Brockman for spilling all our secrets, I almost can't cook this ham." "Oh who am I kidding, I can cook a ham anywhere, anytime."
"And I feel so ashamed that everyone knows that I'm not left handed. I'm ambidextrous... with a preference for my left!" *sob* "Well, I suppose mob justice is the good book's preferred form of justice. Hand me that baseball bat."
"Finally! I knew I got a knife installed in this cane for a reason."
"BURN DOWN THE NEWS STATION!"
"No! If we riot, think of all that extra news Brockman will get to report. We've got to handle this in a way no one will care about - a peaceful protest!"
"Shame on you, Brockman. Think of the children. And all their terrible secrets you uncovered." "Now that I say it aloud, shouldn't we be alarmed that all of our children have terrible secrets?"
"But no one was watching my show. You had backed me into a wall with your lack of interest and my poor performance." "What other choice did I have? My numbers were down! My only sponsors were Consolidated Lint and political ads for inmate elections." "So I used Police Chief Wiggum's snooping software to find gossip."
"Mayor Quimby, I look like a pig and I squeal like a pig. If I go down, I'm taking you with me."
"Twenty years of salary cuts and this is how you repay me?" "Fine! I'll win them back just like I do every year with a confusing speech, a winning smile, and counting dead people as voters." "Listen up everyone. I am sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for the entire sequence of events that has lead up to this point."
"Oh yeah? What's that then?!"
"I have no idea. Which is why I'm forming a non-partisan committee to look into this." "It will be composed of cheerleaders from professional sports teams, and will meet at sea on my government-purchased yacht."
"Yar, finally a government body I can stand behind."
"Now why did you all pull me out of my chambers? I was in the middle of a very important nap."
"Chief Wiggum has publicly admitted to spying on the people of Springfield using a piece of dubious, government developed software."
"Well, it's immoral, unethical, and unconscionable."
"None of those words are illegal. I'm not here to decide what's right or wrong."
"That's exactly what you're supposed to do."
"Man, maybe I'm not cut out for this. And maybe I should stop doubting myself aloud while in the midst of a case." "Either way, NOT GUILTY!" "Now if you excuse me, I've got some soul searching to do..."