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Weekend Dad
Kirk Van Houten

Level Required

37

Release Date

November 7, 2013

Number of Quests

16

Preceded By

Bachelor Arms

Succeeded By

Scandalous Spending

Weekend Dad is the second part of the level 37 quests. It starts after the Player finishes the Bachelor Arms Apartments. Part 15 of the quest chain unlocks and requires the Player to build the Office of Unemployment.

QuestsEdit

Quest Requirements Time Reward Triggered by
Weekend Dad Pt. 1 Make Kirk Eat at Krusty Burger
Make Milhouse Eat at Krusty Burger
30m
30m
Cash100
XP10
Kirk
Weekend Dad Pt. 2 Make Kirk Cry Sitting Down in the Shower 4h Cash100
XP10
Weekend Dad Pt. 3 Make Kirk Thaw Frozen Hotdogs in the Sink 12h Cash100
XP10
Weekend Dad Pt. 4 Make Kirk Work at the School 24h Cash100
XP10
Willie
Weekend Dad Pt. 5 Make Kent Brockman Relax 60m Cash100
XP10
Weekend Dad Pt. 6 Make Kirk Work as a Library Door Monitor 12h Cash100
XP10
Lisa
Weekend Dad Pt. 7 Make Kirk Serve Time 24h Cash100
XP10
Wiggum
Weekend Dad Pt. 8 Make Kirk Advertise Condos 12h Cash100
XP10
Fat Tony
Weekend Dad Pt. 9 Make Kirk Protect Crops 16h Cash100
XP10
Cletus
Weekend Dad Pt. 10 Make Kirk Work as an Assistant Dishwasher 12h Cash100
XP10
Milhouse
Weekend Dad Pt. 11 Make Kirk Gold-Farm in Homer's Happy Little Elves Game 24h Cash100
XP10
Weekend Dad Pt. 12 Make Kirk Gold-Farm in Homer's Happy Little Elves Game (x3) 72h Cash100
XP10
Weekend Dad Pt. 13 Place the Golden Calf Idol --- Cash100
XP10
Weekend Dad Pt. 14 Make Kirk Get Belittled by Nerds 12h Cash100
XP10
Weekend Dad Pt. 15 Build the Office of Unemployment
Make Kirk Collect Unemployment Check
36h
24h
Cash100
XP10
Weekend Dad Pt. 16 Make Kirk Eat at Krusty Burger
Make Milhouse Eat at Krusty Burger
30m
30m
Cash100
XP10

DialogueEdit

Weekend Dad Pt. 1Edit

StartEdit

Character Dialogue
Milhouse Icon "Dad! You’re back! Just when I thought I would have to go through puberty without male guidance."
"Luckily, I’m a late bloomer."
Kirk Icon "All the Van Houten’s are late bloomers. It’s actually our family crest."
"My head hurts. The last thing I remember was arguing with your mother."
"Then I woke up in my old bachelor pad, locked in the trunk of my racecar bed."
"Is this Springfield? What happened here?"
Milhouse Icon "That’s a long story, but I can tell you all about it!"
Kirk Icon "How about over dinner? Good ol’ dad’s gonna treat you to the finest restaurant in town! Let me check the change purse..."
"On second thought, how about the finest restaurant most recently shut down by the health department?"

EndEdit

Character Dialogue
Milhouse Icon "Thanks, Dad — that was fun! Maybe we should make it a weekly thing?"
Kirk Icon "Let’s not get our hopes up son. I am Kirk Van Houten after all — I may not always be rolling in so much spare change."
"But it’s a new Springfield and a new me! From now on, when I cry in the shower, it will be standing up!"

Weekend Dad Pt. 2Edit

Character Dialogue
Marge Icon "Kirk, I’m glad you’re back. Milhouse has been a real bad influence on Bart lately."
Kirk Icon "Milhouse is now the bad kid! My kid is really moving up in the world. Usually it’s Bart who needs to be reined in."
Marge Icon "You’ve been gone for 36 levels and you have the gall to give me parenting advice?"
Kirk Icon "36 levels? How many characters did they have to go through to get to me? Did they even have names?"
Marge Icon "I thought you knew. I’m really sorry to be breaking the fourth wall like this. Frankly, it’s cheap storytelling."
Kirk Icon "Cheap storytelling is all I deserve."
"No, I’m the new Kirk and I’m not going to let this get to me."
"I’m fine with level 36. 36 was a good year — I had most of my hair at 36."
Marge Icon "You’re actually level 37..."
Kirk Icon "I lost all of my hair at 37! They built an amusement park before bringing me back! Can you believe that, kid?"
Ralph Icon "I think I followed the wrong blue haired fat man home from the grocery store..."

Weekend Dad Pt. 3Edit

StartEdit

Character Dialogue
Kirk Icon "There are just no job opportunities for a salt of the earth unsalted cracker man like myself."
Milhouse Icon "Maybe you should try something new?"
Kirk Icon "Wafers? Biscuits? Tortillas? Biscotti?"
Milhouse Icon "Maybe you need to think a little bit more outside the box."
Kirk Icon "But I already lost the company millions with Crackers in a Bag."
Milhouse Icon "Why don’t you go out and look for something new? I’m sure you’ll be bringing home the bacon in no time."
Kirk Icon "Bacon? Not on my budget."

EndEdit

Character Dialogue
Kirk Icon "What am I doing? I was given a fresh start and already I’m eating expired partially thawed hot dogs."
"Luann will never take me back if I don’t turn myself around and get a job."
Marge Icon "Maybe you should talk to Reverend Lovejoy."
Kirk Icon "Because he always offers sage advice to those in need?"
Marge Icon "No, he’s just a bit friendlier to people showing up at his doorstep uninvited."

Weekend Dad Pt. 4Edit

StartEdit

Character Dialogue
Kirk Icon "Reverend, I’m here because I have nowhere else to go."
Rev. Lovejoy Icon "I understand. Desperation is the number one reason why people turn to religion."
Kirk Icon "Great, I’d like some money please."
Rev. Lovejoy Icon "You can’t just ask for money."
Kirk Icon "Isn’t that the point of the collection plate?"
Rev. Lovejoy Icon *sigh* "If I get you a job interview, will you promise to leave and never to come back?"
Kirk Icon "At least the first part!"

EndEdit

Character Dialogue
Willie Icon "You want to learn the ancient art of groundskeeping do ye? Well, it’s going to be a long road filled with arduous trials."
"Why I bet you don’t know the first thing about being a groundskeeper?"
Kirk Icon "If someone vomits, clean it up."
Willie Icon "You’re a natural. Like a young me, only sadder. And fatter. And older."
"Now hold open this trash bag while a student volunteer shovels in pig guts."
"Add some chopped onion and you’ll have a mean haggis."
Nelson Icon "Haha! Milhouse’s dad has a job!"

Weekend Dad Pt. 5Edit

StartEdit

Character Dialogue
Milhouse Icon "You’re the school janitor?"
"Couldn’t you find an embarrassing soul-crushing job somewhere where everyone I know WOULDN’T see you?"
Kirk Icon "Actually, it’s an unpaid internship. But I get to take home the uneaten taco shells every Taco Tuesday!"
Milhouse Icon "But if you’re not getting paid, why even take the job?"
Kirk Icon "Because life is like a marriage… you just have to keep plugging away at it no matter how awful it is."
"Besides, do you think a success story like Kent Brockman gets paid just to lie around all day?"

EndEdit

Character Dialogue
Kirk Icon "Well that certainly showed me. I really wish I could have it that easy."
Milhouse Icon "Why can’t you?"
Kirk Icon "There’s just nothing like that on my list of jobs."

Weekend Dad Pt. 6Edit

Character Dialogue
Kirk Icon "Uh hey Principal Skinner. All these cleaning supplies are giving me a rash, and my health insurance turned out to be just a band-aid and a tic-tac."
Skinner Icon "How much are we paying you?"
Kirk Icon "Nothing."
Skinner Icon "Oh no, we can’t afford that. You’re fired, immediately."
Kirk Icon "Oh no, another failure. What am I going to do?"
Lisa Icon "Mr. Van Houten, perhaps I can be of some help."
Kirk Icon "Marry Milhouse and give me one less mouth to feed?"
Lisa Icon "Not in a thousand years. But there’s a job opening at the Springfield Library."
Kirk Icon "What is it? CEO? CFO? Head Librarian?"

Weekend Dad Pt. 7Edit

Character Dialogue
Wiggum Icon "Alright, vagrant. I’m placing you under arrest for loitering without a laptop or half-finished screenplay."
Kirk Icon "But I’m not a vagrant or a hack writer! I work here!"
Wiggum Icon "A likely story! And a pretty good one. Good enough that it belongs in MY half-finished screenplay “All Hail the Chief: A Wiggum Adventure.”"
"Lou, bring him in for questioning about his backstory."

Weekend Dad Pt. 8Edit

Character Dialogue
Fat Tony Icon "Mr. Van Houten! Before you return to your life of drudgery, perhaps you and I could come to some sort of favorable agreement."
"I happen to have a legitimate job that needs doing, but all my employees are only trained in illegitimate jobs."
"You see, an associate of mine has built some new condos, and it would please him greatly if someone were to help him in the sales department."
Kirk Icon "Like a real-estate agent?"
Fat Tony Icon "I suppose you could look at it that way; but no, in reality not so much."
"Perhaps I could say you have no choice in the matter. That it’s either this or you sleep with the fishes."
Kirk Icon "That’s a choice."
Fat Tony Icon "I can see why your wife divorced you."
Kirk Icon "That was a low blow. Lucky for you, I respond well to being belittled. You’ve got yourself an employee."

Weekend Dad Pt. 9Edit

Character Dialogue
Cletus Icon "Hot dog! That’s some top notch standin’. You interested in graduatin’ up to the big leagues?"
Kirk Icon "I’ll do anything to get out of being a human sign! What do you need?"
Cletus Icon "A human scarecrow. Them crows can smell failure a mile away."
Kirk Icon "A job where failure’s a requirement? Everything’s coming up Kirk!"
Cletus Icon "You’ll have to provide your own tattered clothes... but I sees you got those already."

Weekend Dad Pt. 10Edit

Character Dialogue
Milhouse Icon "Dad, I haven’t seen you in ages. Is it because you found a job?"
Kirk Icon "I didn’t just find one job, I found several. Why work one job with benefits when you can work lots of jobs without any at all?"
Milhouse Icon "It’s the new American dream!"
"Great, want to go eat out at a restaurant to celebrate?"
Kirk Icon "Even better idea. How about I go work at a restaurant to celebrate?"

Weekend Dad Pt. 11Edit

StartEdit

Character Dialogue
Kirk Icon "Milhouse, would it be too scarring for you if you rocked your old man to sleep in your arms, stroking his hair, telling him it's all going to work out?"
Milhouse Icon "You lost your job again, didn't you?"
Kirk Icon "Kids are just too perceptive these days."
Milhouse Icon "Don't worry -- I've got it covered! You know how all these years, you've said that being friends with Bart was a waste of time?"
"Well, not any more! His dad is desperate to hire someone!"
Kirk Icon "What kind of job could Homer possibly be hiring for?"
Milhouse Icon "I don't know -- but he said it's in the game industry."

EndEdit

Character Dialogue
Homer Icon "Just keep doing the shortest jobs possible over and over again."
"That's the best way for me to get gold in Happy Little Elves game."
Kirk Icon "Can't you just buy some Elf Berries?"
Homer Icon "I don't pay you to think. I pay you to tap!"

Weekend Dad Pt. 12Edit

Character Dialogue
Homer Icon "That was a great first day, Kirk."
"Now it's time for you to work your first night. And then the next day, and then the next night, and..."
Kirk Icon "But Homer, I need to sleep."
Homer Icon "Fine, you can sleep after that. But I'm docking all this sleeping time you're taking from your salary."

Weekend Dad Pt. 13Edit

Character Dialogue
Homer Icon "Great work, Milhouse's Dad! Now I believe your cut was ten percent of the gold you farmed me..."
Kirk Icon "What?! You're going to pay me in-game currency? What good is that going to do me?!"
Homer Icon "Maybe you haven't noticed, but it's all in-game currency around here. No one says "dollars" anymore."
Kirk Icon "Well, at least give me some premium currency then!"
Homer Icon "Donuts? Fat chance, fatso!"
Kirk Icon "I'm not the fatso -- you're the fatso!"
Homer Icon "I believe you mean, "you're the fatso, boss."
"Here, I'll pay you this thing I found in the basement. It's been around for years and no one wants it. Just like you."
Kirk Icon "Wow, that was really mean."
Homer Icon "I know. I felt bad as soon as I said it, sorry. I think I'm just depressed because you're life is so sucky."
A Golden Calf Idol has been placed in your inventory.
 
— In Game Message


Weekend Dad Pt. 14Edit

StartEdit

Character Dialogue
Kirk Icon "I bet I can pawn this cow off at the comic book shop. He collects all sorts of weird stuff."
Comic Book Guy Icon "Ah, the golden statue from the discontinued dance show Twerkcules and the Golden Calf."
"Unfortunately, this is a fake. Therefore, I will give you nothing for it."
Kirk Icon "Nothing? I was hoping for a little more than that!"
Comic Book Guy Icon "Fine, I will pay you something, but only if you stand around in the shop."
"Your presence makes my customers feel better about their own lives by comparison."

EndEdit

Character Dialogue
Kirk Icon "You know Milhouse, things are really looking up. Today I got a job based solely off my looks. Now I know how models feel."
Milhouse Icon "Sounds like people are finally appreciating you. Maybe now we can throw out all your vision boards?"

Weekend Dad Pt. 15Edit

StartEdit

Character Dialogue
Milhouse Icon "I guess you’re just about ready to nail a job as a big time manager, huh dad?"
Kirk Icon "Yeah, about that... it doesn’t seem like getting work experience is all that helpful in actually getting work."
"These jobs are all dead ends."
"What I need is time to network in all those cracker factory social circles, maybe graduate up to the glitzy world of graham crackers."
Milhouse Icon "But who’s going to pay you to take time off and noodle around, looking for your dream job?"
Kirk Icon "The government!"

EndEdit

Character Dialogue
Kirk Icon "Wow, a check for doing nothing! Finally the government is good for something other than just building roads and hospitals."

Weekend Dad Pt. 16Edit

StartEdit

Character Dialogue
Milhouse Icon "Dad, when I grow up I’m going to be unemployed. Just like you!"
Kirk Icon "My son wants to follow in my footsteps. I am so proud."
"This is cause for a celebration! The Van Houtens are going to dine on the best food an unemployment check will allow!"

EndEdit

Character Dialogue
Milhouse Icon "You know, with you not working all the time, it’s been nice to actually spend some time together."
Kirk Icon "Without a job to get in the way, I see now that the most important thing in life is family."
"And government-provided unemployment benefits. Yeah, mostly that."

TriviaEdit

  • Many of the tasks in this quest chain have the low job payouts. I.E. When Kirk is Tapping Homer's Happy Little Elf Game, it rewards 20 Cash and 200 XP, this is either a bug, or a representation of Kirk's low paying jobs.

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